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Here + Gone | A tribute to my miscarriage

2017-08-01

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A few weeks ago, waves of nausea hit me in an all too familiar way. Then came the cravings. And I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was pregnant with our second child. Seeing those positive test results felt like victory and shock all mixed in one emotion. Excitement and holy-crap-can-I-handle-this, mingling together like the tango. Two under two. 7 months post pardum and pregnant. We hadn’t been trying to get pregnant so this was totally unexpected, yet somehow anticipated. My husband always joked to our friends and family that we were going to pop them out one after another; we both want to have our kids close together. And here we were. Around 4 weeks pregnant. There was something so wonderful knowing that it was God’s plan and His timing over our own. That he made it happen even though we hadn’t intended it to happen. And just like that we started dreaming and preparing and envisioning this new life we were about to have. We told our families and recorded cute videos. Excitement bubbled up inside of me at the thought of when we’d announce it to the world and the shock/surprise everyone would have. Realizing that this could be my last pregnancy has me all sorts of sentimental already, jotting down idea’s for reveals and bump updates. We made appointments, took photos, started prenatal pills… and then came my trip to Target.

During my pregnancy with Owen, all that helped me feel better during those long 13 weeks of solid nausea was these magical little things called “preggie pop drops”. They’re basically just hard sour candy to suck on and they were my slice of heaven. Standing in the pregnancy section to grab some of those little saving graces, I realized something. I hadn’t felt nauseous for awhile. And as I tracked it, I realized it’d been two or three days of not feeling sick for the majority of the day except for a tiny bit at night before bed. This didn’t happen with my first pregnancy, so I thought maybe it was just the luck of the deal. Maybe I was further along then I thought? Maybe it would come back? Maybe it’s a girl, so my symptoms will be different then they were with Owen? But they say you get sicker with girls. Maybe I’m just not going to be as sick? Home with my “preggie pop drops” I went. Ya never know when the sick feeling may strike. On my way home from Target I remembered the day before we left for the beach, I had some slight cramping. This was before I has gotten the positive pregnancy test results. I remember I was worried that I was going to get my period the day before we left on vacation and praying that God would either have my pregnancy test results finally be positive (because the previous ones were negative) or hold off my period until next week. Anyone else make those selfish prayers time to time? Not a proud moment. The cramping was so light and sporadic and short that I didn’t think much of it, and then we got the positive pregnancy test results so I figured it was part of the pregnancy. We continued dreaming of this little brother or sister for Owen, tossing around ideas for names, and snickering behind closed doors about how badly we wanted to tell whatever friends we were hanging out with at the time.

Sunday evening came and I began to have slight spotting. This can be totally normal so I tried to not let it bother me, but I started to let my mind wonder off into the “what if” realm. What if something is wrong? What if I’d have a miscarriage? I’ve always worried about those things, even in my first pregnancy, but you never actually think it will happen. At least you hope not.

Sunday night before bed, all of those what if’s suddenly became real and I’m pretty sure I’m still in a state of shock. With one wipe covered in thick blood and cramping that came out of no where lingering consistently, I looked up at my husband with big eyes and we both shrunk our shoulders and sat in silence. Defeated and sad. We both knew. The realization that I was having a miscarriage hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember thinking, “well, I’m pretty positive that’s what this is, but let’s just see tomorrow.. let’s get to the doctors and maybe there’s still a chance..” … but then the blood got heavier and the cramps became solid and consistent and I knew I was losing our baby. We went to our OB right away in the morning and she did an internal exam which confirmed that I was bleeding more then they’d like to see, and through her kind and sympathetic words, she assured us I was having a miscarriage.

They sent me for blood work to determine if I needed to have any procedures or surgery. My husband and I just couldn’t find words to speak. Hugs and ‘I love you’s’ sufficed. We processed and asked questions almost aimlessly at the wind..Why did this happen? Do I have a right to be sad since it’s so early on? Did God not want us to be pregnant? What does this mean for our timeline? Did I do something wrong? Am I being selfish for being numb and heart broken? I already have one baby, shouldn’t I just be thankful? Is it really all ending just as it was getting started? How could my body betray me like this?

No matter where you’re at in life, it’s the weirdest/hardest thing and such a mix of emotions. A whirlwind. I feel like I got whipped up by a tornado and tossed around and spit back out. It feels like the world should stop. But things keep chugging along.
We got the results from the lab back and they said my HCG levels came back low which means that my body passed the cells/tissue on its own, so there wouldn’t be a need for any procedures (a silver lining), and that the miscarriage would most likely soon be over. One more round of blood work in a week to confirm the ending to this short lived journey.
My purpose in this post isn’t to seek pity or attention at all. It’s mostly to remember this pregnancy and honor it with its own form of a “birth story”.
I’m a pretty open book and I like people in my life to know where I’m at, and why I am who I am. These steps through life make up our journey. I believe in being real and sharing mine. I want to give our friends and family a heads up of what Caleb and I are currently walking through. It’s easier to write it here, in my safe haven of journaling, as it isn’t really an easy thing to just casually bring up during the “what’s new” portion of conversation. It’s also effected my response time to emails and clients and editing, so I’m asking for a little extra grace from all of you sweet people who’ve entrusted me with some of your most precious memories.
Questions still linger. Hurt is still real and we are feeling pretty raw. We are sad but hopeful for God’s plans over our future. We are okay, we are processing and maybe just a little more sensitive for now.
 I’m so thankful that I wasn’t further along then I was, and that I had my sweet baby boy to come home to and hold through the tears. I realize that my heart is able to mend a lot quicker then some who’ve gone through a lot worse of experiences than I have…
Through this, I’ve felt my heart break in all new ways for women who’ve experienced miscarriages and any form of loss. Any loss is devastating. I’ve realized that now. My OB told me how miscarriages are all too common but that it’s sadly not something many people talk about openly because they feel some sense of shame.. or depression..
It made me feel like a sunken ship inside that there may be women sitting alone out there, feeling alone out there, and feeling ashamed. ASHAMED. Unable to process through this with someone and unable to find healing or happiness. Please know, your loss matters. Whether it’s early or late or a false test or dwindling hope. To those women, the ones patiently waiting for their turn, the ones who had to birth their precious angels and say goodbye at the same time, the ones that are waiting for their rainbow baby, the ones with me who want to complete their family…
You are held and you are so loved. It’s not your fault and it’s not God being evil. Please know that He has the biggest plans for you and your family and though it might not look like we plan or envision, Gods good at being good, and He has every intent and plan to be good to you. Sometime’s there’s no rhyme or reason no matter how hard we search for an answer to our “why”.
Look for that goodness in the hidden places, and in the obvious ones. Look for it in the silence and through the tears and cling to His promises: He HAS plans for you, plans to prosper you and to give you a hope and a future. 💕
– Meagan
*I know some of you may be reading this and thinking some of that is easy for me to say because I haven’t been put through the ringer to the depths that some have. But hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. I know it comes in different magnitudes, but the beauty of it is that even though it might all look and feel different, we can relate with one another to some extent. And when you can relate, you don’t feel so alone. And maybe if you don’t feel alone, you’ll be able to find a silver lining and face another day. That’s my hope in sharing my story.